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Infinity PRIDE Saga: SPACE

Same time, same feeling.

It’s this time of the day that I always feel this loneliness.

It’s just me, my lunch, and an empty seat in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, it’s just that I have other friends who are more “friends” to them than to me. 

Is that even a thing? I don’t know— I don’t think I will.

But I don’t blame them. I mean, who would like to sit with such a loser like me? I’m the weird kid. I’m the loner. I’m the smart introverted kid who couldn’t even start a conversation with others. It’s not like I wish to have social anxiety, it’s just it— I don’t know how to deal with it. If only someone could help me or understand my situation like other kids with social anxiety. But to do that, I need to talk to them first—open up about my issues, and maybe we can be friends and I won’t be lonely anymore! If only I had the courage—maybe if there is someone who can encourage me—

Wait! 

I’m just going in circles. See my problem?

That’s easier said than done. But it’s not like the seat in front of me is always empty.

One other day, someone sat there. Turns out he just mistook the seat.

The next day, someone sat again. But only because there was no other seat available. After a minute of silent treatment from me—just me overthinking literally everything—they left because there was an opening from the other table. To be honest, that one’s on me.

Last week, I went to my usual seat, and a pretty boy was already sitting in the empty seat across from me. He said he always saw me eating alone, and he wanted me to join their fraternity. The initiation is at 5 pm tomorrow in the abandoned building. Boy, that escalated quickly. Of course, I refused, and then he left. But after he left, I’m suddenly reconsidering it.  But I cleared my mind, I’m not that desperate. Or am I?

The other day, a beautiful girl suddenly sat in front of me and said she knew me from one of our subjects together, algebra. Turns out, her girlfriends just dared her to see if she could make me do their assignment for algebra. I was about to refuse, but she said the magic word. “Pretty please.” It turns out I’m not just an introvert but also a pushover. I gave them the completed assignment the next day. 

And the next day, and the day after that, and the day after the next.

I don’t care anymore if they’re pretty or handsome, tall or short, thick or thin, he, she, or they. I just need someone who would join me.

Then comes the realization.

Do I really need someone to understand or validate me? I’ve become more desperate day after day after day and forgot myself, but I know who I am, I’m a good person, and that’s enough for me. Maybe this can fill this empty space in me, or maybe I already did. I know that someday I will need some help with something I can’t handle on my own. But God is always there to provide, so I won’t rush myself anymore. 

It’ll come if it comes.

But would you believe who came today? The guy who said he just mistook the seat. It turns out he’s just like me, and he noticed me, alone, in the canteen every day and wanted to approach me, but he suddenly became nervous, so he just blabbered the first alibi he thought of. 

I just learned you must love yourself first before expecting others to love you. Ultimately, the space in front of me is finally occupied, and my heart is finally full.

by Jedd Britanico